what could have been…

I am not one to dwell on what could have been or what might have been… I can usually let dreams go when they are not achieved, I just move onto my next dream… 

I have always wanted a big family.  I wanted 2 or 3 children of my own, delivered from by belly, then adopt a few more later on in life.  I wanted my children to be about 3 years apart.  It did not matter if they were boys or girls…  secretly I have always leaned towards girls-  I don’t know what to do with a boy even though I am pretty tomboyish…

Lily will be 5 in a few months.  Jon and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now.  I talked with my doctor, taken medicine that was suppose to increase my chances of getting pregnant.  She said if that didn’t work I would be considered infertile.  I didn’t take the last dose of medicine because I don’t want that label.  I don’t want to think that I will never feel another baby flipping around in my belly.

I want to say- upfront- that those of you who read this blog and are pregnant I am over the moon happy for you ladies!!  I don’t want any of you to think that is aimed at ANY of you!!!  This is just me spilling my heart out, crying over dreams…

I see commercials on TV for baby stuff and it makes my heart ache. I hear of friends that get pregnant with out wanting to be, with out trying or within a year of their first baby and my heart aches.  I hear people say they are Fertile Myrtles and it makes me so mad!  Why are they so fertile and not me?  Why can’t friends notice my pain and not make a big deal out of their over-fertileness??   I can be happy for their success, I just ask for a little sympathy, compassion and support for my lack of…  

We have friends over to play a lot.  A week or so ago we had a little boy here, he is about 2.  I just sat on the porch and watched them.  Him, in overalls, playing with Lily, in a dress and boots.  Two little country kiddos… They were digging in the mud, playing so great together.  It gave me a little glimpse of what could have been.   I am now keeping a 1 year old little girl.  She is a DOLL!!!  Sweet as can be!  Now daily, I am getting that glimpse… 

I absolutely LOVE my daughter and try to never take her for granted.  I know that I am beyond blessed to have such a healthy, kind, loving daughter!  I don’t sit and mope about not having another child, but it is still in the front of my mind.  Every month that my period is a little late I wonder… every time a gas bubble moves or pops in my belly I wonder, when the smell of something makes me a little nauseas I wonder…

I know that God is in control, and that he has a plan for me, for us.  And this gives me comfort, it helps me to not get discouraged or depressed.  But the longing is still here…