Life has been so busy these past few months. (Years, if I am truly honest with myself). I enjoy being busy, but there has to be balance. There has to be a balance of family and friends, home life and outings, me and them… I have a hard time finding a good balance for everything. I love being able to help people, I love going places and doing things. I love having time to myself, where I can just sit and BREATH with out worrying about kids, supper, cleaning the house, answering the phone or paying bills. I rarely get this time. I know it is very important, it is good for my physical and mental health. But I feel selfish to take time for myself when there is so much to get done around here, when Jon is working just as hard or harder than I and he needs a break, too.
Lately I have been dreaming of a life that could be. Not one of extreme wealth, not one of materialistic things. I could really care less about that stuff. I dream of an income that would allow us to pay all our bills on time and put some away into savings. I dream of a lifestyle that would allow us to take a mini-vacation every year and not once every five years.
I dream of having a relationship with my guy that wows everyone else, where we can understand each other during a conversation, where we can express our feelings and have the ability to understand the other person.
I dream of a friendship that is focused around God, a friend that I can truly depend on to be here for me- thick or thin… where there are no rules to our relationship. I want a Diana to my Anne, a bosom buddy, a kindred spirit.
In reality- it looks as though I might be getting a job. I go tomorrow to put in applications. We need to supplement our income somehow. (In case anyone was wondering- We already live a very frugal lifestyle. There is really nothing else that we can cut out of our lives, other than TV- and that will be done end of June to avoid major fees- and the internet, which I need for business… Of course, if anyone has any ideas of how to cut costs on things, please let me know!!!)
In reality- my hubby works so hard he gets home and falls asleep shortly there after, so there is no “talk time” with him.
In reality- kindred spirits are hard to come by, few and far between. I have yet to find one.
In reality- I am getting stressed and worried and about to the point to where I cry at every bill in the mailbox. I know God promises to take care of us. I know to trust in him. I know we are blessed in many other ways. But I am to my breaking point. I am out of my comfort zone, I don’t know how much more I can handle. I wonder when will God answer my prayers, my pleas, my cries for help. I wonder what kind of test this is, what kind of challenge is he putting me through. Is he asking me to give up EVERYTHING, or is it something in particular? Am I suppose to be holding the hand, doing everything, for the person who is suppose to care and protect me? What is my role in this situation? I am already praying for, supporting, encouraging, and helping- without enabling. Maybe this isn’t about me (Oh if only!!)… Maybe all this is aimed towards Jon. Maybe He is trying to get Jon to realize or understand something… I just hope Jon is listening, paying attention. Because I cannot take anymore, I cannot stay strong and figure everything out anymore. My resources are all used up, my energy is gone. I have no more to give.
I head to bed, now, to dream some more…
Kristina ~ I'm praying for you as I type these words. Your words that you shared tonight sound like words that I myself could have written so I feel where you are right now. I have no words of comfort or advice but I will and I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya girl. Although we dont have a child we have been struggling too. Now that im back to work hopefully things will look up. It is and isnt about materialistic things for us too...yes because we NEED a washer and dryer....NO because was WANT new living room furniture :) Getting a job isnt so bad. It will be good to help jon out. You guys will be fine, try to keep your head up! Wish I had more advice :( Love ya and you are in my prayers!!
ReplyDeletewriting a comment to this is hard for me because I am a talky person. I would enjoy nothing more than to pick up the phone and call you!
ReplyDeleteI will attempt to write {sigh}
Matt and I have bee married 12 years. {We have a great marriage now,but It hasn't always been that way.} the first 4 were..not so great in a choice of better words. The story is a long one and I truly don't have the room to write here but I remember the first 4 years of my marriage feeling very much like you are. Prayers to God that I felt like no one was listening. I asked God to give me a husband. God did more than that...he changed my heart. In the process, he did give me a new creation with my husband. A change for us involved my husband changing jobs, selling our cars,getting rid of cable {didn't have internet at the time}, moved into our 900 square foot old house on 1 acre in town, and REALLY simplified our lives. (((we became close))))God restored our marriage. Since that time we re-evaluate our living space {because we only have room for so much} and we sell and get rid of whatever we can. We are a work in progress and so are you and Jon.
You must know that God DOES hear your cries.
He IS listening.
Don't be afrain or discouraged because of the army you are facing. The battle is not ours. It's God's. Take up your position and stand FIRM. God will supply all that you "NEED"
We have been through HARD times together in our marriage. If I had it to all do over again, I would choose the hard times again because it's not in the good times that we grow closer to God...it's during the trials that we come closer to Him. and praise God for the hard times!!!
Hang in there!
Hi Kristina, I came back to "see" you because I've been thinking about you today. I read Amanda's comment and I'm going to have to ditto what she has said. Marriages do hit rough spots. Ours was really tough around the five year mark and it was hard to recover from it. But we both vowed to make it work and that's what we set our feet (& hearts) to do. And I knew that for our marriage to change, I had to change. I really didn't want to do that because I wanted him to change. But I set to do what I needed to do and the rest fell into place, just like Amanda stated happened with her marriage. Here lately we've hit more rough patches brought on by finances from the layoff. Finances put a lot of strain on a marriage. I have no solutions because I'm living that one right now. All I know to do I'm doing...I'm praying, trusting God, trying to keep my heart in check, and clinging to His promises. When I do those things, it seems to help our marriage. I'm still praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for you. I have to second everything Amanda and Adriane have said. A good marriage is not one that never goes through rough times but one that stands the test of time in spite of those tough times. Ricky and I have been married for almost 26 years and we have seen many rough times. Many times when I felt all alone, or angry, or scared. Look to God to fill all you need because when we look to a person we will always be disappointed. And we even drain them at times because they can't be everything we need, only God can.
ReplyDeleteMoney issues are an unbelievable strain on a marriage. We have suffered through many dry times when I did not know how we would make it. (And we still do.) But God is faithful. ONly by the grace of God did we make it. Be fatihful to what God is calling you to do even when you don't see the next step. He will keep His promises. I read recently that God is rarely early, but never late. That has brought me great comfort on days when I cry out to God and ask Him where He is. I am praying for God's comfort and direction in your life.